Men are regularly excluded from spaces of empathy, reflection, and healing. And when people consistently feel rejected or dismissed or treated with contempt, they’re forced to go elsewhere to feel seen and heard.

I was convinced that failing to follow the rules set out for me would lead only to suffering, isolation, stress, and low self-worth. I was wrong on all fronts. In fact, trying to live by these rules and notions pretty consistently led to everything I was trying to avoid.

The gifts of independence can only do so much to counteract the emotional toll of isolation.

If I’m not actively being affirmed, I am worthless. If I’m not being reassured that I have value, I must have none. There is no safe moment inside my own head except for the ones when somebody else is telling me I did a good job.

For the first time in a long time — maybe ever — I actually feel optimistic about getting into shape, and I feel like I have more control over my anxiety, rather than it controlling me.

The anxiety was no longer coming from something recognizable, from one or even many sources — it came from everywhere.