The gifts of independence can only do so much to counteract the emotional toll of isolation.

If I’m not actively being affirmed, I am worthless. If I’m not being reassured that I have value, I must have none. There is no safe moment inside my own head except for the ones when somebody else is telling me I did a good job.

The anxiety was no longer coming from something recognizable, from one or even many sources — it came from everywhere.

For the first time in a long time — maybe ever — I actually feel optimistic about getting into shape, and I feel like I have more control over my anxiety, rather than it controlling me.